Hope for the Hopeless

I'm going to get real for a second, so please disregard if you're not into hearing a pathetic anecdote:

I've been thinking all day about posting something related to emotions.  This thing is sort of an online journal, right?  Well, I have been adjusting here quite well, I'm really enjoying myself and so far I can count on 2 fingers the number of times I've felt melancholy since my arrival.  One of them was the first night in the new apartment when I couldn't get to sleep until 3:30 AM and unfortunately, the other was today.

Ok, we all know I can be a bit...emotional at times.  I admit, I cried during an iPhone commercial recently.  (It really tugged at my heartstrings!)  I like to think of my "emotional" quality as an ability to empathize, though sometimes it plagues me.  Perhaps I could chock it up to my astrological sign, Pisces, which is classically characterized as oversensitive and extremely compassionate.  But I'm not really into all that.

Today was my second day of Accounting lessons.  *insert dramatically painful sigh*  Though it may sound silly to be affected by cost-volume-profit relationships, I can honestly say I haven't felt this hopeless in ages.  My professor, a native Italian, was lecturing what he thought to be the basics of Managerial Accounting by presenting detailed flow charts and balance sheets.  He may as well have been speaking German because I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.  At all.

Excerpts from my notes: "what the *$@# is he talking about?" "this suuuuuuucks."

I went into the confinement of the bathroom after class and yes, I cried a little bit.  I thought, why are you such a baby? this is just an accounting class and you need to study!  But as I sat there I thought about what it means for me to cry and let emotions spill out.  It's cathartic, a sort of therapeutic exorcism of negativity and stress.  I thought about the fact that I felt I had to hide from everyone that I was overwhelmed and upset.

Then I remembered my walk to the bus from school the day before when I'd passed by a funeral procession that took up the entire main street.  There were about 50 people in front of the town's church watching the casket being placed into the hearse.   Everyone was openly crying, even sobbing - just letting themselves release what they felt.  There were passersby asking "who is it?" and then staying to give the family hugs and share in their grief.  I felt such solidarity just walking among them.

Maybe that's what this blog can do for me.  I feel that if I'm going to write here and essentially live out loud, I may as well be honest and acknowledge that sometimes I feel a little down.  Maybe by admitting I have feelings of hopelessness through this post, I can let that feeling go and have the reassurance of my friends and family to give me confidence.

Ugh, hard to believe Accounting made me feel the need to write all of that, I hope it made sense and I hope you can all continue to send me good thoughts and positive feelings.  I'm going to need it!