Here was a woman I'd only ever seen cheery, full of energy and eager to please. She was the kind of woman who gleaned all her happiness from contributing to the joy in other people's lives. There never was a more humble, selfless soul. And now all I could see was the husk that housed that woman, a portion of her left behind, trying desperately to sustain itself. The two days I spent there weighed deeply on my heart -- I felt so helpless, both from not being able to help her, and from realizing I wouldn't have her in my life anymore.
Although I can't be sure she knew I was there, I held her hand and told her how much I loved her. I was able to express my truest sentiments and reiterate that which I told her each time we spoke: I appreciated her and all that she did for me. It was in that moment she opened her eyes, found mine, and managed to groan "you're...so...beautiful." I stared in amazement and looked to my dad for validation that he'd heard it too; he did. I cannot imagine ever being able to forget the way I felt in that moment. Through all the discomfort and, undoubtedly, trepidation, my grandmother was able to release one final expression of praise. Even in her last days, she was attempting to bolster someone else's spirits. What I wouldn't give to be more like her.
I am thankful to have been able to say goodbye to her, albeit one of the most difficult situations I've ever experienced. But if my grandma taught me anything, it's that there's always so much to be thankful for -- and many were blessed by having her in this world for 93 precious years. It will be incredibly challenging to reevaluate my life without her in it; to consider my family in a new light.
I am trying to feel happy that she's moved on, which is what she wanted at this point in her life. But I can't help feeling selfish. She was such a constant. A lovely, divine constant. She made the best cucumber sandwiches in the world. She was approximately 100x better than anyone at crossword puzzles. And she had the ability to make me feel uniquely loved in the way only grandmas can.
May your love live on through me.
Geraldine Lulu McCaleb Shultz
March 26, 1917 - August 6, 2010
I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother but at least you got to see her one last time. All the beautiful memories will stay... And those can never go away.
ReplyDeleteEstrella
Your blog post brought tears to my eyes. I feel like I've missed out not knowing her and I can't imagine how hard this is for you. I'm so sorry she passed away, but it's obvious her spirit lives on in you. Stay strong and remember that a part of her will always be with you.
ReplyDeleteI have known your grandmother for over 40 years and you have described her perfectly. Always cheerful, encouraging and proud of others. She was with me in the good and bad times and never changed. I loved her like a mother. God bless Gerry because she made so many lives better.
ReplyDeleteI loved Aunt Gery as much as I love my grandma, her twin sister. I cried when I heard the news....hard....I also cried when I found out her time of death.... I had been driving home from Dallas with a girlfriend of mine. We were singing and laughing and having a great time, but around 9pm I got a wave of saddness and my heart and eyes filled up with tears for no apparent reason. My friend was like freaked out and asked if I was ok; I giggled thru my tears and said I didn't know what had come over me but I was just sad all of a sudden... The next morning my Dad called with the news... He told me her time of death and I got chills remembering the tears at that exact moment the night before... I felt her leave this earth...even though I wasn't there, I knew a peice of me had transcended... She was always so kind to me, and I will never forget her. Nor will I forget what she stood for: LOVE...
ReplyDelete~Becca